Send me on my way.

Let me start off with a little something for all of you.  I had one (of I am sure many more to come) an emotional breakdown the other night.  And by the other night I mean last night.

There were a lot of factors that just built up to my meltdown.  That seems to always be the case.  I stand strong, I hold it all in, I act tough, and then I crack, and when the dam cracks… it breaks… into many pieces… and the water just pours and pours.

First off, my weekend home went by really fast, and even though I enjoyed my time there and I treasure home differently now, I just expected it to be slightly different.  To be honest, I expected everybody to drop everything they were doing and be there with me no matter what.  I didn’t expect other peoples lives to be busy when I came home.  I know, so selfish, but it was still just the thought that was running through my mind.  If I was going to drive six hours home to be with people, then those people better be with me.  Am I right?  No. I don’t admit that often.  I realized that even though I don’t live here anymore, and even though I am technically “on vacation” other people aren’t.  I just didn’t expect that.  I expected my old life to just pick up where it left off, and it couldn’t, no matter what, because life in Clemmons didn’t stop for others when I left.  Time is not frozen for them on January 24, 2012 at 2pm.  I was just sad that I didn’t get to see as much as everybody I love so much as I thought I was going to.  It was only three days, not like a lot of seeing would have been done anyways.  It was like getting a taste of the sweetest honey, and then when you swallow it, it is replaced with the taste of vinegar.

Second, I was so very blessed for my mom to take me shopping this past weekend to get some new outfits for me to wear to work.  It helped tremendously, but there are still days where I don’t have the dressiest clothes to wear, and the other day I got teased about it.  It hurt my feelings.  It made me feel bad for not having money, and then that made me feel bad.  I am blessed.  No I don’t drive a luxury vehicle, but I don’t want to.  A big part of my conservativeness comes from fiscal responsibility, and that is what I have always been taught, along with working hard for what you earn.  Even though there are times that I need help from my parents money wise, I want to make it on my own.  I want to starve on Ramen noodles and slave my way up the ladder.  I don’t want to be handed anything, and being made fun of made me question some of that.  I was told, “it looks like you belong in a museum rather than in a professional workplace.” Awesome, what I am wearing right now would be considered over dressed at my last job… I would not wear this to a museum, it way too dressy and you’re a bunch of ass holes.  (All the other interns are males.  Imagine being teased about the way you dress… by men.) Yeah.

Then I just have felt really uncomfortable here, like I don’t fit in.  Everybody from around here lives in different areas, so it is hard to meet up.  At times I feel like I am a stranger in the house I have so graciously been given the opportunity to live in for a while.

I have just felt very alone, and lost sight of the prize the other night.  Luckily, I have a friend deep in the heart of Texas that packed up and moved just like I have.  Thankfully she called me immediately, listened to me cry, told me she did the exact same thing {{the whole moving and crying part}} and calmed me down.

Then today I had a really great experience eating lunch with a person high up in rank at the workplace.  God fearing, southern, the only girl with three brothers (also second oldest) we seemed to be a lot a like.  We were able to talk about climbing your way to the top, and how important it is to work hard, and have a concealed weapons license.  But seriously… we really talked about the conceal and carry laws in Virginia… I am pretty sure the men in the room had no idea what was going on.  They started laughing in that, “this has got to be a joke, these women really aren’t talking about hand guns right now,” tone.  I triple dog dare you to make fun of my clothes again after you know I can shoot a gun… very well mind you.

It gave me a renued confidence in myself knowing that somebody who started out just like me has become so successful, but can also go home and wear jeans and cowboy boots.  It is possible to have it all, but you are going to have to make choices, and they will be hard choices no doubt.  I just have to make sure I can live with the choices I make.

I didn’t think it would be easy, but I didn’t know it would be so hard.

Katelyn