Comparison

If you have been following my DC journey on this here blog then you have heard two names: Drew and Whitney.  Those two lovely people quickly became my best friends in this town and helped me begin to feel at home in this concrete, star-less jungle. Last Saturday Drew went back to New York to finish up his last semester of Grad School. Last Thursday Whitney told me that she got accepted into grad school back in Mississippi and was leaving next Friday. As in two days away from today, Friday.

When Drew left I felt like there was a concrete slab sitting on my chest. It hurt to breathe, and I swore I was just going to have a panic attack then and there in my car.  When Whitney told me she was leaving, I immediately broke down and started crying in Four Courts. We were at a happy hour surrounded by the majority of my coworkers and I couldn’t have felt more alone.

I am happy for both of them. I am so proud of both of them. But I am also so sad to lose the two people I am closest with in DC. It hasn’t been an easy journey, and Drew and Whitney helped make it fun this summer, they made me want to stay here.

My mom came and visited me (more on that later) and ever since she left… all I can do is cry.

With the news of them leaving brought on a lot of thinking, a lot of comparing, a lot of dreaming of ways to get through this. My mind (as you read yesterday) has been wondering to Raleigh.

What would my life be like if I was in a city full of my friends? If I got a studio apartment next to Sally and we walk back and forth to each others nests and laugh, cry, watch the final season of Gossip Girl and fight over who gets Chuck, Nate and Dan.  To me, it sounds like Heaven. Being able to shoot down the highway and watch my little brother play in his high school/college soccer games. To be able to go home when I’m hungry and cry to my mother to take me to the grocery store so I don’t have to eat Honey Combs for the 8th night in a row for dinner. What would it be like to be able to go to all the Wolfpack games again?  It’s just been compare this, compare that.

That is true. And I can tell that my daydreaming of Raleigh has put me in a funk. But I am not going to sit here and talk about how I shouldn’t be in a funk. I am mad that I just so happened to be best friends with the two people that are leaving. I am upset that I feel alone again. I wish I had a studio apartment to decorate the way I want to. I want to be able to grab coffee with my best friend on a Saturday morning. Let my dog snuggle with her while I am away at work before she goes to school. Take stupid Instagram pictures in our hipster clothes. Drive to Banner Elk and snowboard whenever I damn well please. {{sorry, mom}}

But then I think, am I willing to give up DC to be happy in Raleigh? It’s not that I am unhappy here… I just keep thinking of how much happier I would be there.

I have dreamed of DC for a long time. I am finally here. I have a job. A really great job. I have some really awesome coworkers. I practically live for free by DC standards. I have my dog. They don’t care that I don’t brush my hair or dress like a grade school teacher. There is so much to be thankful for, but that one little nagging part of my brain won’t let me go.

Of course I am not going to just drop DC and leave. I can’t do that. I don’t give up like that. I will fight until the very last second to succeed, to not feel like a failure.

So I made this deal with myself. One year. I think I have shared this before, but if I am still feeling this way in six months, then I will move to Raleigh. If I ever become horribly unhappy (at any point) I will call my dad, he will come pick me up {{whine about how its the 3249234 time he has moved me}}, and I will go then and there. I am too young to debate with myself about happiness. But I am also too stubborn to allow myself to give up on anything, even if it makes me unhappy. {{Hello, college relationship.}}

The Fall is coming. Fall has quickly become one, if not my favorite, season of the year.  Snuggling in your boots, scarves and mom’s sweaters (yes, I wear my mother’s and father’s sweaters) sipping coffee with your pup at your feet and a fire blazing. It’s a time for friends and family. {{I am seriously typing with my jaw clenched trying desperately not to break down and cry.}} My family isn’t here, and I know I will make more friends along the way.  Just Fall. If you understand, you understand. If you don’t, I wish you did.

 I saw a kid in the metro yesterday wearing NC State shorts and carrying on those draw string back packs they gave us at Freshman Orientation. I seriously chased this kid up the escalator shouting HEY WOLFPACK! He must have thought I was insane, because I did not catch up to him. Boy had long legs. When I didn’t catch him I just felt like breaking down in the middle of the tunnel to the Metro. Good heavens what is wrong with me? I just wanted to be close to somebody who understood. Somebody who I thought was going through a similar situation.

I wish I could apologize for all the venting… but I am really not sorry about it. Hopefully everything will even back out up here and I just won’t miss NC so bad.

Probably won’t help that I ordered and NC print off Esty yesterday….

This one to be exact. 

Katelyn