This is my way of joking about my wish to be a hipster. So please, true hipsters (as you are in denial and not showering) do not get upset with me. I wish I could be you, but I really like to shower… even though I don’t brush my hair very often and read books by Nicholas Sparks and not people “you discovered.”
The other day I was talking to Sally about how I am a total “J.Crew Hipster,” meaning I am in no way a real hipster, but I wish I was. There is just one problem, I shop at J.Crew a lot and pass off a Mens flannel and leggings paired with my Coal headband and glasses as being hipster. I don’t even really like coffee all that much (GASP!) and am a republican. Hipsters aren’t republicans. They have feelings. (They as in hipsters, we all know republicans don’t have feelings… all we care is about is money, duh.) See how I made fun of myself there!
All of this leads us to today, where I felt so cool I decided to make a journey to Cafe Helios, one of Downtown Raleigh’s coffee shops. Recently I have only been able to “work” outside of the house. I get so distracted at home with my dog, the other dogs, all the space I have now and endless amounts of gluten free food. So… to coffee shops I go! Today you would never believe it, but I was productive at home, so I rewarded myself with a few hours of “working” in a coffee shop. My reasoning about life is twisted.
Once I get to Cafe Helios I realize I am a total spaz (not shocking) and I stand out like a sore thumb. Luckily, there are some pretty cute dudes here that look like they showered today.
Reasons I am not cool enough for Cafe Helios
1. I am choosing to listen to my Justin Bieber Christmas music mix on Pandora over their Bon Iver medley. I should hang my head in fake hispter shame. WHAT AM I DOING!? Bon Iver is law.
2. I wore my contacts. It is bright outside folks and I have to wear sunglasses pretty much at all times when sunny because of my sensitive baby blues. Oh, and I have Rayban Wayfarers. Insert fake hipster wannabe *here*
I feel no shame.
3. I am wearing an over-sized NC State hoodie instead of the ever popular tacky Christmas sweater I should be pulling off. Why did I not stop in Goodwill before I came… I KNEW there was something missing.
4. I live in fear of city parking after DC. Usually, I walk with Sally to Helios and we don’t have to worry about parking, but I parked on the LEFT side when Helios was clearly marked RIGHT side. I did not realize this until I was out of my car and seeing all the towing signs. We know about my track record with tow companies, so I walk up into this joint in my contacts and non-Christmas sweater and ASK if I am going to get towed. I even DREW A DIAGRAM. All two completely hipster, bearded baristas were trying their hardest not to laugh. He just leaned in close and whispered, “don’t worry about it, you’re perfectly fine,” in a completely judging you tone. Just so you know, I am judging you for your ginger hair that is longer than mine. So, there! And your pony tail has bumps.
5. I actually brushed my hair today. Really Kate? The one day you choose to brush your hair you actually went somewhere it’s acceptable to not brush it.
6. I ordered something they were out of. Dang it, if I had worn my Coal beanie my hipster powers would have told me not to order that…
7. So I ordered the “most popular” item on the menu… the Turkey Avocado Sandwich… and then I took the avocado off. It makes me sick. Back off hipsters. I was too embarrassed to ask for it off the sandwich. *Face Palm*
8. I put my stuff down on one table and then once I ordered I moved to a different table breaking all hipster etiquette. I even moved in between two people. The look of shame I received! Please tune back into your Hulu special of Charlie Brown Christmas and leave me to my gchat.
9. I held my coffee mug with two hands to make sure I didn’t spill any. TWO HANDS! Why didn’t I remember to tie my left arm down like I was taught in hipster school.
10. My leggings are from Victoria Secret and not somewhere like American Apparel or Urban Outfitters.
And now I can’t feel too bad, because some old dude just walked in and ordered a glass of wine while he does the NYT crossword. I would say I feel less awkward about my life, but he probs comes here all the time and does this… Yup, some other old dude just came up and said hello to him. Hipster, out.