One Day

I wrote a version of this post a week and a half ago. It was before I knew the outcome of my interview, and now that I know, I am rewriting it. I am going to try my hardest not to revert to my sarcastic ways, but I can’t make any promises. With that being said, this will be a little more serious that normal so if you’re only into the blogs that post 40 pictures of themselves in the same outfit that they forced their poor husband to take, you might wanna skip out. {{If you need any recommendations for some though, hit me up. I do follow a few.}}

The last few weeks have been really hard for me. I feel as if my return from DC has burst the bubble I had pictured in my mind of everything North Carolina was supposed to be when I returned. Don’t get me wrong, returning when I did was necessary for health and monetary reasons, but it still doesn’t change the fact everything is different than I had imagined. The saying, “ignorance in bliss,” is a fact, not a cliche.

I’ve been back for a month and a half now. I’ve had my time to heal physically. {{I actually don’t know if I am healthy yet. The doctors can’t seem to do anything for me.}} I’ve calmed down a lot and let the stress (as much as stress can) leave my body. I also began to feel worthless again. At least my savings account is at 100% because I am not paying rent out my wazoo in DC, but still what I deem as worthless. I got a part-time job a week after I moved back that I enjoyed, but going from 400% to 50% is a little hard. It might have been necessary, but difficult.

Many of you might not agree with my self diagnosing myself as worthless. “It’s a phase.” “You lost your job.” “Time will tell.” blah. blah. blah. I understand where you are coming from, but I don’t come from there. When left alone with my thoughts I guess it comes down to a little bit of my spirit is broken. I just don’t feel like I “shine” like I used to. As if part of my inner fighter has worn down and I am just being.

Before I was officially offered the leadership position at The Y, I was thinking of the two sides of my career path/personality. On one side I am desperate to settle down and just feel put together, but on the other I am a “runner.” The only place I truly believe I could ever feel settled down is back home in Winston, in my own apartment, with my wonderful dog, and shelves of  books adventures.

While I was waiting to hear back, I daydreamed of what would happen if I got this job… the way I would decorate my apartment. The way I would actually start cooking for myself. (If you follow me on Pinterest and are wondering WTF am I doing pinning all those food pins… that’s what) I would be there for my family. I would know where I am, and actually tie roots to my roots. But if I didn’t get the job… what would I have done? My answer to that is, run.

Where would my next adventure take me? Do I want to try the hustle and bustle and Chicago? What about pulling a total single twenty-something and working at a crab shack in Maine or a coffee shop in Seattle? What about buying a one way ticket to Denver to see my cousin and just so happen to stumble upon a job? There are so many options, and as along as they allow 70 pound golden retrievers and no long term commitment, I’m in.

When I was offered the job the one word that comes to mind is relief. Relief that I wouldn’t have to run anymore. Relief that I would be able to settle down and be able to decorate an apartment one day. Relief that I won’t have to live with children ever again. Until that one phone call, I don’t think I knew how much I didn’t want to wander anymore. Whenever things seem to get uncomfortable for me, I lickity split. As much fun and adventurous it is to house hop every couple months and learn the in’s and out’s of different areas of a city, it is also draining and very lonely. I guess that is where I am at, my broken spirit side, I ran to Raleigh and a month and a half later when things didn’t go how I had imagined I am running again. But this time I am going home. Sure, home isn’t where I saw myself after being on my own in Washington DC, but it is a blessing and pure relief that I have a home to run back to.

This job isn’t as glamorous as a communications position in Washington DC, but I know it is going to be good for me and that I will be good at it. The biggest attraction in Winston-Salem is the giant metal Tea Pot (that I have never seen with my own eyes) and Wake Forest University (famously known as the ACC team that dresses up for games and Chris Paul). But Winston-Salem is also the plot of grass I have decided I am going to water. It’s going to take time, there will be many weeds to pull, but one day soon I am going to have my own place, I will be succeeding at my new job, I will be surrounded by old friends made new again, and I will be happy at where I am at in that moment. One day.

Now I am going to go listen to some more Demi Levato, because every girl needs inspiration for her comeback story.

Katelyn

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